First, I must apologize for my lack of posts/updates. I should have told you about Hailey cutting off all her hair again for "Locks for Love", that Brady is his Class Rep, that they both have won awards at school for being smart, kind,helpful students and that Brian is enjoying subbing for the Kern HS District and ran in a mini marathon along with so many others to honor Robynn. That is not nearly all, there is so much more, but those are the highlights.
Kelly's sister Brandy refers to me as "MIA" and I am probably very deserving of that title. The truth is, I am having an extraordinary difficult time with my grief and it only seems to be getting worse. With the anniversary of Kelly's death(this Wed) and Robynn's right around the corner, compiled with the holidays, it just seems to be too much. It has been a year, should we not be feeling less sad, less denial, less dread about being left behind?
Another reason I have not written many posts is because I feel like a hypocrit trying to inspire others when my faith has been shattered. I feel ill equipped to lead Robynn's Fearless "Army Goodell".
With that said, please accept my apology for falling down, and I beg that you keep us in constant prayer as we struggle through the next few weeks.
Pray on!
S
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Shelley:
I've never met you but I went to High School with Robynn. You don't know how much your post today blessed me. I just lost my mother and best friend on July 14, 2009. Top that with my marriage ending and being the single Mom of three small kids- 2009 has just plain old STUNK! I have always been the encourager for my family and friends and for the first time I just don't have it in me. I am a follower of Christ- and yet this season He has allowed more pain and grief than I knew existed. As you said, you think it gets better and it feels like it is just getting worse. Your post encouraged me because it helped me see I am normal and not alone in how I grieve. Thank you for your transparency! All of you are in my prayers.
Shelley, don't be so hard on yourself. We all have a grieving process of our own... if yours is taking longer, perhaps it is because you spent so long holding so many of us up through this journey. I imagine your own grieving process for Kelly was delayed to preserve your strength for Robynn, Brian, Brady, and Hailey.
"hypocritical" would not be the right word.... brave would be more accurate. Those of us on this end of the blog read your words, admire your strength, and somehow manage to push forward through our own tough times. If I am finding myself thinking about Robynn these days I can only imagine how often she is on your mind.
Everyday is different. Holidays make them harder. In the end you will do what you always do...find the strength and courage to hold up the people you love. We are not all lucky enough to have that gift within us... I am envious of yours.
And last...thank you... from the bottom of my heart for maintaining the blog. I am sure that in of itself it is a reminder of both good and bad. I truly cannot imagine my life for not have taken this journey... I think of Hayden and his mom and know that I was meant to use your example of strength to ease there pain. I think of your term "FFF' and laugh out loud remembering my children's groans when I told them "this will be so much fun":)
At the end of everyday I know that I am a better person, teacher, wife, mother because of "Robynn's Battle to beat This". And while it surely is not enough to cure your grief...may it be enough to sustain you today.
Kelly K
kellyk1991@live.org
Hi shelley,
Your continued efforts to update everyone on the survival process is invaluable. I hope that the rest of the year provides much joy to you, regardless of how bittersweet it may be. There is no doubt that time doesn't quite make it as easy as it should and I just want you to know that we are thinking of you all a ton.
-Leslie + Jamie (&hudson the dog)
Good Morning Shelley~ THANK YOU for your post! I want you to know that I still check the blog daily for any updates and/or prayer requests. When I read your words, I felt an immeasurable amount of compassion and grief for you and the rest of the family, and the tears just welled up. I realized that I took your lack of posts as you just moving on, but, in a positive way; just as you had when we first found out about Robynn’s diagnosis, remaining strong and taking on the next trial full force. I pray for your family regularly, but, your words gave me a whole new insight as to how to direct my future prayers.
That being said, I whole heartedly second Kelly K’s words. They were all so true. You are being too hard on yourself. I think its human nature for us to expect more from ourselves sometimes. We are our own worst critic.
However, really, that’s not how God created us. We need each other! More importantly, we need God. He is ready and willing to help us; we just need to ask. Almost like a toddler wanting to put his own shoes on without his mom’s help. I remember my son Tre doing this to me. He tried and struggled until he finally gave in and asked for help. At that, I just smiled, not scolding in the least, but, put on the shoes with ease and then hugged him, encouraged him for the great try; but reminded him that I would always be there to help, he just needed to ask. I was reminded about those times when I was struggling with something that I was trying to deal with “on my own”. The Lord was patiently “waiting” for me to finish “trying and struggling” on my own, and turn to him to ask for help. It was the most amazing sense of peace I’ve had in over a year.
After reading your post, I came upon the following scriptures:
May the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.
1 Peter 5:10
Blesses are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:3-4
Allowing the Lord to give you the courage to write this post was Him reminding you he’s ready and waiting to help you too. You are his daughter, he loves you.(and, so do we!) While I’ve never had the opportunity to really get to know you outside of all that has happened in the last year, I do know how much Robynn loved and appreciated you. Your bond was very special. I can only imagine what your friendship with Kelly was like. One is truly blessed to have those special friendships. Try and remember how much joy you gave them with your love, and how much joy Kelly and Robynn are now experiencing on a daily basis. They truly are the luckiest of us all.
When I have my moments,(and yes, they are happening more often now) knowing Robynn is in the Best place ever has actually helped me to pick myself up. Talking about her helps a ton!!(So, keep the posts coming.;)At times, it’s almost like I can here her laugh. How can I be sad then? Didn’t she have one of the best laughs? She and Kelly left incredible legacies and as their family and friends we are left to continue that legacy in how we live and love each other. You are going to have good days and not so good days; acknowledge them, talk about it, make a bowl of tear soup if you need to. Please know, you are not alone. . .we miss them right along with you.
I am so thankful that you took to the blog Shelley. There is healing power in your words.Continue to be yourself and let us know what’s on your heart. Additionally, there is healing power in prayer. The blog encouraged me, and countless others, to reconnect spiritually as well. I hope you will continue to allow us in on how you and the rest of the family are doing, and that you will truly find healing and be comforted through it. When the time comes, (and it will), to move on from the blog, I believe you will have helped more people than you will ever know. . .just as Robynn and Kelly did. Big Hugs Shelley!=)
Shelley,
From the words of "Footprints in the Sand", the Lord carries us through not only times of our less than righteous ways, but also through our doubt of faith.
Beautiful, caring, wonderful Shelley, the Lord will carry you now - as He has carried all of His children. And when your heart is minded by His love, He will gently set you down beside Him and you will continue to walk beside Him. It's Ok Shelley, let Him carry you for awhile.
We all love you very much...
Shelley, You're going to be okay. I can't write more, you'll understand. Hang in there, we will be okay.
Kelly (Howland) Brown
Shelley, thank you for sharing from your depths, from what some call a "dark night of the soul." Your increased grief is to be expected as you near the anniversaries, and is only greatly compounded by the extreme specialness and personal closeness and importance to you of Kelly and Robynn, as well as watching others who loved them bear their losses. Your situation is way too big. And losing your precious aunt and uncle the way you did. Through it all, you not only commanded but encouraged and cheered the "army". I pray that you will be able to rest in the shadow of His wings, to retreat away from the front lines for as long as you need. C'mon Army Goodell, let's stand strong, raise up holy hands and hearts to intercede for Shelley. Lord, please bring sweet comfort to this faithful warrior who has endured so much, and will continue to bear the pain of separation that is actually Your gift to us...that causes us to seek and follow You that we may join you in Heaven and live with you forever, never to be separated again.
I pray that you will be given strength and understanding through this very difficult time. Hang in there and God bless you, Brian, the kids, and all your family. You have done so much for so many. We all cry with you...
I love you Shelley....I CAN ONLY I MAGINE is playing right now....and I feel like I can only begin to imagine. You have been through so much...I hope you know how much appreciate our talks :) Some day we will learn to live in our new reality...only to have it change again...but I guess that is what life is...moment to moment :) Big Hugs to you and Big, Huge Hugs to Heaven :)
Forever Grateful,
Brandy
Shelley,
If there is anything I can do, please let me know! I can't tell you how grateful I am for your keeping us informed throughout Robynn's battle and caring for her and your family. I will be forever indebted to you. You mean so much to me and to all of Robynn's friends that looked to you for more than information, but inspiration. We found out that Robynn passed through your beautiful words. Like Carol said to me, I felt because of Shelley's words, Robynn is where she should be. She is no longer suffering. If I heard it any other way I would have been so very upset. (Carol cried but she felt better because of your words.)
Thank you Shelley! I will pray that you find what you need. We have you, that is our blessing.
So much love,
Kristy Lacombe Ware
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